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Old 15-10-2009, 08:01 AM   #1
Stibz
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Another "Class" Letter lol

Hope you like this one too guys

Anonymised correspondence from a member of the public to leith police...


Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no ther purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer




Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being foreign without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw*ts that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards
???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.
Please note, although no boardcode and smiley buttons are shown, they are still useable
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Old 15-10-2009, 08:56 AM   #2
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Although filled with sarcasm you can still read the utter hopelesness in his musings. What has happened to the police service? In my line of work we have to respond to an incident with someones alarm system within four hours of them reporting a problem. Seems coppers nowadays only have to if they can be arsed.
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Old 15-10-2009, 03:34 PM   #3
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Slim, my 23yr old son got mugged at knife-point 50 yds from home, I rang 999 straight away, you know what they said ? ........we'll get someone up there within an hour, my reply was..........well I suppose your not bothered about catching the two guys then !!!
end of call, no reply to that. they turned up like 40 mins later about 10 past midnight.
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Old 15-10-2009, 03:44 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by PzR sixpackjack View Post
Slim, my 23yr old son got mugged at knife-point 50 yds from home, I rang 999 straight away, you know what they said ? ........we'll get someone up there within an hour, my reply was..........well I suppose your not bothered about catching the two guys then !!!
end of call, no reply to that. they turned up like 40 mins later about 10 past midnight.

Unbelievable mate! Mugged with a deadly weapon and it's not even a priority. Sounds like they only bothered turning up to get their piece of paper signed so they could prove they responded to a crime and the government could go on about how well they were dealing with crime.

It absolutely boils my smelly yellow stuff when I see a member of the government waxing lyrical about how well they are doing on crime, schools, unemployment etc and for any sane person the evidence totally refutes what they are saying. If they spent more time actually working to improve things rather than spending time making it look like they are improving things our society might have a chance, as it is I think we are screwed.
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Old 15-10-2009, 04:51 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Slim View Post
It absolutely boils my smelly yellow stuff when I see a member of the government waxing lyrical about how well they are doing on crime, schools, unemployment etc and for any sane person the evidence totally refutes what they are saying. If they spent more time actually working to improve things rather than spending time making it look like they are improving things our society might have a chance, as it is I think we are screwed.

Seconded.
Schools aren't getting better, the exams are getting easier. I'm in Year 11 at the moment, and I'm getting given practice papers like they're going out of fashion. Papers from 10 years ago are significantly harder than the ones from the last couple of years, from my experience anyway. Teachers definitely aren't getting better (if anything, they're getting worse), and kids aren't becoming more intelligent.

The less said about police in this country, the better. A couple of years ago, there were 2 teenagers climbing a wall at about 3am. So my Dad rang the cops, and they told him to go away as they weren't breaking the law until they broke into the house. Which they were, because they were trespassing, and what else are 2 teenagers going to be doing climbing into someone's garden at 3am, getting their football? They actually threatened to arrest him for wasting police time
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Old 15-10-2009, 07:02 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Evilpengwinz View Post
Seconded.
Schools aren't getting better, the exams are getting easier. I'm in Year 11 at the moment, and I'm getting given practice papers like they're going out of fashion. Papers from 10 years ago are significantly harder than the ones from the last couple of years, from my experience anyway. Teachers definitely aren't getting better (if anything, they're getting worse), and kids aren't becoming more intelligent.

That's been a problem for a long time now. It's 15 years since I was doing my A-Levels, so chances are you'll be practising on some of my old exams soon.

Thing is, we had the same thing with getting practice papers from previous years, and it was noticeable then that the exams were getting easier as time went by. The 1990 paper was significantly easier than the 1982 paper which seemed bloody impossible It always seems so unfair on the students - how can you prove your quality when the papers are getting easier and easier?
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Old 15-10-2009, 07:23 PM   #7
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Love it - but as many of you have suggested this is a sad reflection on the country we live in, even if this a re-hash of an old mail doing the rounds 8-9 years ago!!
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